Nobody said it’d be easy… which it isn’t. But I also wouldn’t say it’s hard. I figured everyone who follows my blog deserves an update considering my transfer from Mizzou to UCM has been the main focus of my blogging career so far. I’ve been back and forth from Lee’s Summit to Warrensburg since August 13 for sorority recruitment, but my first day of class was August 20.
In a perfect world, I’d get to go to class on UCM’s campus, I’d work and live at home and not have to commute, and I’d get to have my Mizzou social life. I’d also have unlimited time to write any time I would want to during the day. I’d keep all 400+ of my Alpha Phi sisters too. I could never choose between Omicron and Theta Lambda now. But the world isn’t perfect.
My commute gives me plenty of time to think and talk to God, which is very valuable. I also use that time to call my best friends at other schools too. Long distance relationships are hard, no matter if they’re romantic or not.
Romantically, I’m alone. Well, I’d actually say I’m having a love affair with my classes. I actually tear up in my teaching classes occasionally because they make me so happy and give me a sense of fulfillment already. Or maybe I’m just a big baby when it comes to anything heartwarming.
I could say more about my romantic relationships. I could talk about the love letters and the late night drives. I could talk about how star-crossed each of my relationships has been. I could say the way it’s all made me lose sleep at night and develop some serious anxiety. Young love, right? There’s nothing like it.
Those are all of the things I could say and elaborate on, but I won’t. That would ruin my fiction for everyone. And I’m kind of starting to enjoy writing fiction. It’s still a bit uncomfortable because I’m drawing it all from my own life experiences, but that’s how the best authors have done it. You write about what you know, not what you don’t… even when it’s hard… even when it hurts.
I’m also proud of myself for finally getting a bad habit under control. One down, a million to go, right? But even the tiniest of battles won is still a victory.
I feel really simple and content lately. Even when demons from my past start to crawl up my spine, I remember how far I’ve come and how I don’t have to go back. Life is the choices you make and the chances you do and don’t take.
I do have to add that I have some pent up frustration towards a person or two who are indirectly in my life and continue to make it hard. I continue not to be good enough for these people and my mistakes continue to cause them to look down on me and judge… But they don’t even know me. They have no idea. I know they read my blog, though. They’re probably reading this right now.
I don’t know what to say to them. I know I can’t think of anything that’d be nice. And I do apologize for my mistakes that continue to weigh on their hearts, but my apologies don’t go out entirely to them. Part of growing up is learning to admit when you’re wrong and accept responsibility for your actions. I made my mistakes for selfish reasons, so I’m sorry to myself for not making better choices. It was never about anyone but me. I didn’t think about anyone else, and perhaps that was my biggest mistake of all.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, by blogging, I’ve consciously chosen to make my life public. It’s what I was always afraid of and the reason why I didn’t start blogging sooner, but the more I’ve grown up, the more I’ve realized that no matter what, people with nothing better to do are going to find ways to put you down when you do something with your life that they don’t like.
And then there are the people that, no matter what you do or how far you run, are there. They lift you up, even when you can’t stand. They know the words to say and how to say them, they know the places to take you and they know all of the right gestures. They know what you need and they know how to bring you back to yourself.
I’m so lucky to have found people like that, especially since they’ve come from the most unlikely of places. And at the end of every day, they make being transferred and commuting not so daunting at all.