All too often, my mind is swallowed up by the numerous explanations I think I have to give when I make another questionable or drastic decision. “Because of this I need to tell so and so that… Because they didn’t know that I’ll just leave this out… If I say it this way it looks better.”
STOP. I need to stop. Maybe you do too. I can’t be alone in this…
The thing is, as long as you’re happy with your life, nothing else matters. Yes, we all form relationships and our lives melt into the lives of those closest to us, but at the end of the day, if you’re honest with yourself and everyone else, you don’t owe anyone anything. Not even an explanation. Those who are meant to be in your life might not understand every move you make, but they will accept and support you regardless (thank you to the special people in my life who do that).
I suppose a post is overdue, so here I am, sitting in my childhood room on the last night of summer thinking about my countless adventures in at least eight different cities in just three months. The other day, my grandmother said, “You’re LIVING life.” I am, aren’t I?
I don’t know if I was living life at all before this summer.
I’ve loved and lost and let go and everything I’ve ever believed in or thought I was has been challenged in one way or another. I think I needed that. I think I needed to be shaken up and broken to come back down to earth and realize I’m not in control of where my path leads… I can only control how I walk down it.
I think I’ve learned how to stand on my own. I think I’ve learned that you can’t trust anyone. I think I’ve learned that you get to choose who breaks your heart, just as easily as you can choose whom to forgive. And you should always forgive. At the end of the day, we’re all the same. We just want to wake up tomorrow in a better world.
I’ve made some questionable decisions. So what? Does it honestly affect YOUR life? Most of my questionable decisions involve people who have come into my life, connected with me and then hurt me. And I’ve bashed these people… Until it was time to forgive. That’s my downfall. I shouldn’t do that. Why should anyone take me seriously when I do that? I’m learning.
I’m learning that I should keep each of my relationships between that person and myself. Venting frustration is healthy, but consistent bashing to where my choices are questioned and considered invalid is not okay. I’ve done that to myself and I want to change.
By blogging and wanting to be a writer, I’ve made the conscious decision to have a public life. I accept criticism, and from my family and closest friends, I even find myself accepting occasional advice (something hard for someone as stubborn as me to do). But at the end of the day, it’s my life and my choices. You have your own life and choices to make as well.
If I want to make up with a friend who I couldn’t stand being in the same room with just a few months ago, let me. If I want to forgive a family member who overstepped boundaries, let me. If I want to be with a boy who broke my heart in the past, let me. My life, my choices.
Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I’m naïve. Maybe I forgive too easily (I do) when someone hurts me in such an awful way. But most of us have weaknesses that are also our strengths. That’s something I’ve learned about myself.
And so, another school year begins. I feel as if the world is split into those who see the calendar year as another year in the books and those who see the school year as one full go-around. I’m of the latter opinion (another reason I should be a teacher).
As for the new journey I officially begin at UCM tomorrow with the start of polish week for formal recruitment 2014, I’m going in, as I always do, with an open heart and an open mind. God only knows what I’ll learn my second year of college…
There really is nothing like the college experience, and I’m so lucky to be living it.