This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

I know it’s all been said. And lived. Many times, often several times by the same woman. That gives me comfort. Why would anyone willingly do this once let alone twice, three times & more?

Me? I’d go through labor & delivery unmedicated again over being pregnant or trying to figure out what my baby needs.

I want this to be over, yet I can’t believe how fast time has passed already. We celebrate small wins every day: a lengthy nap, a poopy diaper, a smile. Mommy & Daddy making it through another night.

I’ve felt some of the best & worst feelings of my entire life. How is that possible? She’s so little, a tiny ticking time bomb that will explode in tears I still don’t quite understand or will grow up in an instant, making me want this time back. Can time slow down & rest come easy?

I miss her when I’m not with her, just how I’ve always felt with the dogs. They taught me how to love & then some. Without them, I imagine this whole thing might be even harder.

I want to know my daughter so deeply; they say I already do. I dream of days far away conversing with her about what it means to be a woman, to be her mother, of just how hard it is. And how it’s worth it all, even though I can’t see that right now.

Working mom, stay at home mom, somewhere in between. I have to work & sometimes I actually want to work, but I also can’t shake the feeling that her caregivers are taking her away from me, stealing moments & stealing time that should be mine. And in the same breath, I’m so grateful for them all; I learned quickly it takes a village.

But she’s mine & I want to do it all. Be it all. After all, I am her everything while she’s so small. Asking for help doesn’t come easy, but I need it now more than I ever before.

Maternity leave is almost over, a privilege not long enough. A biological right & a societal setback. A break from a career I love(d?).

There’s a whole life I had before her & a whole life I have now. Parts gone forever, parts the same & some parts new. All parts me, but right now, I seem to be stuck in the clouds, sometimes stormy & sometimes a beautiful dream. I don’t yet feel like a mother, but I am.

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