Then

This is long overdue. My blog is not active. I’m not on social media to promote myself. Maybe it doesn’t matter. It’s a rainy evening after the first day of (virtual) school, and I’m listening to Piano in the Background. Grad school homework is calling my name, but my blog (really, God) has been calling me for longer.

My next post (yes, I DO have a next post planned) was supposed to be about the fitness journey I started on December 29, 2019, but that didn’t feel right to write tonight. The mood in this room, my tiny “office” in the house I rent with my husband, brings me back to the days I wrote like this often. I miss that.

Teaching today — if you can even call it that — put me in a pit and made me feel sort of hopeless. I don’t want to trash my job here though. It’s no one’s fault being a teacher is what it is in a global pandemic. This music makes me want to type like a river, to let it all flow, but like I said, this is long overdue and the dam I’ve built around myself is strong.

I used to write about everything. It’s funny how without social media, I’m more critical of the words I put down. This post has no rhyme or reason, but I want to write. I want to be a writer! Two of my best friends and I have been going through Annie F. Downs‘s 100 Days to Brave Devotional, and I feel God tugging on my heartstrings. I want to be a writer! He wants to know why I don’t do this anymore — well God, so do I. What happened?

In short, life happened. I got the love story I’d been trying to write for myself all my life. I got the job, which is a job that gives me so much influence yet makes me feel so silenced. I got comfortable.

What am I afraid to write right now? Why am I afraid? I’m afraid of being judged. I’m afraid no one will read this at all. I’m afraid someone will read this and have something critical to say. Maybe I’m afraid because I know that I love Jesus, but I can’t tie Him into every blog post, so shame on me. I want everyone to know Jesus and have what I have because of Him. I wish I knew Jesus like I do now then.

I guess I’m not now who I was then. Maybe it’s time to rebrand. Who do I want to be?

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