I still don’t know what to think about the falling out. I knew it would come, it always does, but I tried so hard to have faith that maybe this time it wouldn’t. And this time, it went so far, the farthest it’s ever gone, and suddenly it was just ripped away. I know I can’t move on from this on my own. It’s impossible. I need to rely on the Lord, something I’ve always known but always struggled with.
“Come and see what our God has done, what awesome miracles he performs for people!” says Psalms 66:5. In my opinion, emerging on the other side of this falling out will be a miracle. Those of you who are close to me know this is true. I’m addicted to this relationship, and I desperately want to be clean.
I was fortunate enough to teach Sunday school for the first time at The Crossing this morning, and the lesson happened to be about sin. We are slaves to our sin, but Jesus sets us free. I’m struggling to find the right words to describe what I realized in that lesson, and I just want to preface what I’m about to say by making it clear that I am not intending to be offensive. I let myself become a slave to the relationship I am continuously referencing, and in those self-shackled chains I sinned by ignoring God when he quietly said, “Patience, child.” It’s invalid for me to say that God wasn’t present in that relationship, because He most definitely was and that relationship is a very important part of my walk with Christ, but God was not the center. Now I understand that God must be the center of EVERYTHING in my life.
I realized that as I was worshipping at The Crossing this morning, and the tears began to fall. It was like everything in my heart that was not God-centered melted away so that He could move in.
I wish it were as easy as God moving in and everything else moving out forever, but it’s not. I’ve received so many encouraging, uplifting words from my dear friends, and my heart is overflowing with gratitude. To think these were the same people I willingly left a year ago… I was so wrong back then. I had the community I always wanted right there with me all along, I just didn’t have the Christ-driven heart or mind to see it.
My friend who is also doing K-Love’s 30 Day Challenge shared a verse with me today, Isaiah 41:10, which says, “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”
I’m scared. I don’t know how to live a life free from the chains I desperately clung to, but I know that God has a plan, and I know that He will be walking with me even on my darkest days. And He has given me SO many people to help me focus on Him, including my parents. My parents have showed me nothing but love and support, and I haven’t treated them right. Shay Roush’s sermon at The Crossing this morning made me realize that.
The one statement Shay said that stood out to me the most was this: “We honor our parents by respecting their need to see themselves in us.”
That hit home for me.
I lived my life pushing away from everything my parents stand for and everything they’ve done for me while also pushing away the burning feeling inside that knew I was living a lie. I was so ignorant.
As Exodus 20:12 says, “Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you.” In honoring our parents, we are also honoring the Lord. He gave us a specific set of parents to help mold us into who He wants us to be. I wrote my mom a letter the last time I was visiting home, and I finally said the words every mother wants to hear: “Mommy, I want to be just like you when I grow up.”
I’m still growing up, and I have a long way to go. I have my first mature heartbreak to get over, and I have broken dreams to mend. But I think I know what God is leading me towards…
I used to love writing in my journals about everything I was. I wrote about all of the positions I held in clubs at school and all of the awards I had won. I found identity and self-validation in those lists of accomplishments, but I stopped doing that the past year because I slowly realized that those things did not define me; they were only temporary.
For the first time in a long time, I’m going to practice that trend again, but this time with a different approach. I am a college student, a daughter, a sister, a grand daughter, a niece and a friend. I am interested in serving God and others. I have a passion for writing and reading, and I could talk about anything falling under those subjects for hours (as the friend who I studied with for my American Lit midterm just learned). I love to analyze words. I think I want to be a high school English teacher and also possibly teach journalism with an emphasis in social media. I love social media. I love the way it works. It makes me think. And I love communication. I love the way that kids bring me back down to earth when I’m caught up in the struggles of my own life. Kids make my struggles and worries go away. They remind me to never stop dreaming and never stop loving. They remind me that I too am a child, a child of God.
Day 6 taught me that I am a one of God’s beloved children and He wants me to rely fully on Him so that I might be entirely satisfied living the life He created me for. Hey God, I think I’d like to take You up on that offer.