Everyone keeps telling me to blog more and I halfheartedly say that I will, but it’s hard for me… It’s hard because right now I feel like a walking disaster, and I don’t want to put that part of me down in words.
One of my grandmothers said to me over the weekend, “Jessica, when I read what you write it’s like another person and I have to remind myself that its you: my granddaughter. It’s powerful.”
When I look in the mirror, I don’t see myself for my powerful thoughts that turn into words on a page, even though that’s who I want to be. I see chaos and pain and hurt and guilt and brokenness. As time goes on, I see less hope, less faith, less confidence and less beauty. I see the monsters eating me alive.
And where’s God? I was walking with Him and I could see Him and feel Him and I almost trusted Him… until I didn’t. And I don’t know why. I don’t know why I couldn’t make the final surrender. I don’t know why I jumped right back to where I was.
It’s not safe in the world I’m living in. I live high to high, rush to rush, only acknowledging God when I thank Him for getting me through another sin. And that’s just it… He continually keeps me spiritually alert throughout all of the sin. Why? Why doesn’t He just give up? I feel like I’m as good as gone.
But then I sit here and I look at a blank page (yes, this Word document is becoming more and more of a blank “page” to me even though I vowed I’d stay a writer true to her pen and paper) and I can focus again. I can dream and reflect and the monsters can’t get me. And I’m reaffirmed that this is what I’m supposed to be doing.
I don’t know how or why but as long as I’m putting words on a page I am happy, alive and free. Free to be me. Free to learn. Free to laugh. Free to love.
Everything always comes back to love, at least in my life. Even when I say I don’t and truly don’t want to, I believe in love. I believe in love like this… which is why I’m so glad this video was on my newsfeed today.
Can Larissa have any more faith or trust? Can she be a more beautiful person? And her husband Ian… God bless him. Their story is the reason why I believe in love as the medicine to end all earthly diseases and disasters we expose ourselves to. Love is simple. Love just is.
As I’m sure Ian has felt a time or two after the accident, I feel trapped and defined by a single card life has dealt me that turned my whole life upside down. And I continually (subconsciously, usually) pray that God will send me someone to love me for everything I am, everything I’ve done and everything I hope my life will be. I pray that he is reading this right now.
And I pray that for him, God will give me the eyes, the ears, the hands, the heart, the mind and the soul to love him right back for everything he is, everything he’s done and everything he hopes his life will be. More than anything, I want to be that person for someone.
This post isn’t a cry for attention. This isn’t me asking for help. I know what I need to change in my life. This is just me being honest and open in order to clear my head, and I posted these words as an attempt at being brave.
You see, this isn’t my first time writing something so raw without rhyme or reason. I have pages of thoughts put into words just like this… I just thought maybe it was time to take a chance and see where your eyes will take my writing. It’s not about if I can or can’t write anymore, it’s about who sees my writing and what they do because of it.