This morning, I woke up, went on a run, showered, and then I wrote this in my journal:
God, I’m mad at You. Yesterday went to trash so quick and I want to believe You are good but I’m struggling. Why did my friend’s dad have to test positive for COVID? Why did our house appraisal come in so low? Your will will be done, Lord, I know, but if Your will is for my friend not to be able to come on the bachelorette trip with us and this house not to be our house, I’m not okay with that. Being patient right now is the worst, God. I know You are in the waiting, but I can’t say that’s making this mess any easier. Whatever Your will, Lord, please help all of us see the good and come to understand why things worked out the way they did.August 4, 2021
For two weeks now, I’ve consistently posted here on Mondays and Fridays, and I like that schedule. This post was written on Wednesday, and I pray that by the time it’s published on Friday, I have some answers to that desperate prayer above. As you’re reading this, I’m celebrating one of my oldest friends who is getting married this October. I should probably do a separate post on my and my husband’s journey to saving, looking, and ultimately going under contract on a house… I pray we really buy it and close on it soon.
Writing this, I’m sitting in the airport for the first time in two years, and on top of the two things mentioned above, my anxiety was sky high this morning after checking my work email and just thinking about traveling by plane for the first time in so long. This is odd because I’ve always loved flying, partially because it’s a great time to write, and I’ve actually blogged while flying a couple of times before: Up in the Air and The Time God Held a Plane for Me. As the doors to the airport terminal opened after my husband dropped me off, I immediately felt peace. God is with me even if I woke up at 3:00 in the morning last night worrying about everything. God is with me even if I immediately let some kind criticism in an email get to me. God is with me even if I cried on the phone when our realtor explained our next steps while we literally drove past the neighborhood of the house we so desperately want. God is with me as I selfishly pray for negative test results for my friend so I don’t have to be sad this weekend without her. God is with me even if I’m mad at Him.
I’m reminded of several times in Psalms when King David was mad at God, and he told God so. As I’ve mentioned before, God already knows what you’re thinking and how you’re feeling regardless of your expression, but not showing our anger towards God doesn’t change the fact that we’re angry. He wants to hear it, and Psalm 13 is evidence that King David knew this.
How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and day after day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me? Look on me and answer, Lord my God. Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death, and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,” and my foes will rejoice when I fall. But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing the Lord’s praise, for he has been good to me.
It’s easy to feel like God has forgotten you in seasons when you’re lacking or in pain. I’m in Week 31 of my Bible in a year plan, and this week’s topic was Due Season. Like his father King David, King Solomon also had wisdom to share. While David gave us a prayer to follow, Solomon reminds us in Ecclesiastes 3 that for everything, there is a season. Just like we can count on summer to cool into fall, fall to fade into winter, winter to blossom into spring, and spring to warm into summer, we can count on God to give us seasons of suffering and seasons of blessing. In fact, I believe we can’t really appreciate one without the other. In every season, God just wants us to trust Him.
In doing some research on scripture for this post, I stumbled upon this post: Scripture Verses to Pray When You’re Mad at God. I encourage you to do just that — pray even when you’re mad at God.