My WordPress subscription to use lessonslearnedlifeloved.com as my domain renewed a few days ago. My first thought when I read the email was “why am I wasting $35.88 to fund a site I don’t use?”

I can remember the last moment I was really doing something for myself and living in the moment, and I remember turning to my fiancé and in-laws-to-be at Universal Studios in Florida and defining that week as the last time I would relax the rest of the year and then some.

This year is my first year teaching, and I was always one to appreciate and admire my teachers, but I had no idea. All year, since February 14, I was so excited about my job, and I couldn’t wait for school to start, and it was fun at first, but I’m drowning every day. If you know anything about where I teach, you know that mental health is a big topic this year, and my mental health is nonexistent.

I want to talk about it here because I think it’s worth the $35.88 if nothing else on this blog is anymore. I’ve always been the person who thought that mental health issues weren’t real – you’re in control of your emotions and you can choose how you want to feel. That was until I got literally everything I’ve ever wanted, and somehow, I’ve never felt less like myself. I’ve been afraid to say so because in my opinion, it makes me look like I’m ungrateful.

A week ago, I got to have lunch with an old friend after time, distance, and pride got the best of us, and what we talked about in terms of being “new adults” has been on my mind ever since. We both have the jobs and lives of our dreams, but the passion is gone. I pour my all into what I do at work and for work, and I’m left used up and exhausted day after day.

What’s even worse is that one of my favorite things to say is that I have no friends, and I never realized how untrue and selfish that was to say until two of my very best friends finally got me to meet them last Sunday. They let me know they’re still here, even though I’m not.

I don’t know where I am, and I don’t really know how to say what I see in my head. All day today, I’ve sat on my childhood bedroom floor preparing to be a teacher on Monday because right now, this gig is day by day. One of my grandmas called and asked if I wanted to go Christmas shopping, and I turned her down because even though I’ve been home all week, I’ve pushed work to the back of my mind.

Actually, no. It’s been all that’s been on my mind, but all of the stuff I brought home sat in the same spot on my bedroom floor. I’ve had two extra days off because I had oral surgery on Monday, and the recovery process has been decent aside from my pills making me nauseous, yet I’ve waited until today to do anything for work.

If you’re reading this, I’m shocked because as I type this sentence I’m not planning on actually posting it. Do you know how many drafts of potential posts I have saved? This post is scattered and I don’t know what to say next. I don’t feel like I have the right to say anything I’m saying. On the outside, my life looks great, and we live in a culture where that’s supposed to be enough.

I was reading People magazine yesterday, and Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen gave an interview in which the tabloid reporter highlighted the fact that they don’t have social media. Honestly, good for them. I’m a hypocrite writing this to post on social media, but for whatever reason, probably to be transparent instead of superficial, God calls me to write my blog.

Oh, yeah. Hey God. I know He’s there, but I don’t always feel Him like I used to. My fiancé and I are trying out churches to call home right now, and it’s a weird place to be. I grew up going to the same church my whole life and so did he, and in college we had a tight-knit community with the BSU. Now we’re thrown out into the world, and we know that we want a community, but getting to that point takes faith, patience, and persistence.

I genuinely like people, which is why I enjoy building relationships with 100+ people on a daily basis, but when it comes to my personal life, my relationships are deteriorating. It’s scary. It’s so scary to think that in a time when the people who love me most are supposed to be planning and celebrating my upcoming marriage I just don’t reach out to them. It’s not that I don’t care, it’s that I can’t.

I don’t like people to see me broken and I certainly do not like asking for help. If any of my colleagues are reading this right now, I can just picture them thinking about all of the times they’ve warned me about exactly how I’m feeling and encouraged me to go to them for help. Well, I don’t know how to say, “I feel hopeless and like I’ll never get ahead” day after day. So here I am.

I’m sure there are a billion posts out there about what this place between being a college kid and new adult is like, but this is mine. It’s nice to feel stable. It’s nice to feel wanted at work. But what about when a horrible tragedy happens on a Friday morning or sharp words on a screen tell you that you’re not good enough to do your job because this is your first year?

In those moments, I go back to being someone so small, and I let my teachers hold me while I cry. Right now, it’s so hard for me to ever see myself as the giver of those hugs instead of the recipient. I don’t know how people can teach for 30 years… I want that to be me, but right now, I just want to survive year one.

My blog name is “Lessons Learned & Life Loved.” I know I’m supposed to be a teacher, and I know I’m doing what I’ve been called to do. I am learning SO much. Every day I’m ready to fast forward to year two and apply what I’ve learned. What I don’t know is how to love my life right now and take care of myself. It’s such a challenge for me to put away my books and my lesson plans and get myself ready to go out and just be me. It’s hard for me to write this too, but this is me.

I’m hitting publish, getting up off the floor, and making myself get ready to have drinks with two wonderful friends whose company is long overdue.