I have a million pictures on my desktop right now, and I was ready to post them here and talk about how much I miss the moments in each of them. But why dwell on what used to be?
I didn’t post yesterday. Day 9 wasn’t documented. My mom was disappointed, and I’m sure some of my other readers were too. I just didn’t have anything to say. I’ve found myself in such a funky mood. I want to be here and there and everywhere, and I am refusing to look at where I actually am right now.
I am in Columbia, Missouri, attending the University of Missouri, and my time here is almost up. When I go home, it’s not going to be like it used to be. Sure, I’ll get some of the things back that I used to have, but I’m not the girl I was back then anymore, even though I do miss her.
I’d like to be like that girl again, but I can’t be, and I’m only driving myself crazy trying. I think the essence of who I was is something still attainable, but what about everything I’ve been through? All of that needs a place to grow and develop in my life.
“I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us,” says Philippians 3:14, K-Love’s daily verse for today.
I press on to reach the end of the race… I have to move forward. God has so much waiting for me. And I struggle with patience. I struggle with trusting Him. I don’t know exactly what He’s doing in my life right now, but I know He’s there and I can feel His arms wrapped around me.
Society today gives us universal “chapters of life” to follow. Baby years. Elementary school. Middle school. High school. College. Career. Marriage. Kids. And then you go through all of that as a parent as your life enters it’s final chapter of old age. And that’s life. Chapter by chapter.
I don’t believe in any of that, as far as “chapters of life” go. I want all of those things for myself, but I want them in God’s time and with His will. I can honestly say that my last “chapter of life” started at the beginning of my sophomore year of high school, and I think it’s just now coming to an end.
Today on the phone, my mom told me that I need to focus on myself, and she’s right, I do. I’m looking for signs from God everywhere but inside of myself.